Google Analytics Adds “Please God, Tell Me What To Do” Feature

Google Analytics announced a new and powerful feature today, leveraging the company’s investment in the recently released Google Intelligence analysis and alert system.  The new function is called “Please God, tell me what to do” (PGTMWTD), and allows users single-click access to a report showing web site owners exactly what to do on their web site to double their revenue.

PGTMWTD also releases another groundbreaking feature in Google’s paid analytics software, Urchin.  In this paid version, you can click each tactic to see wireframes and comps of completed pages, showing you exactly how your site should look.  And premium members can configure their FTP servers to allow PGTMWTD to autonomously edit and control their entire site, although the tool will instantly delete any installations of Website Optimizer, because it thinks GWO is, “a little sissy.”

While Google is undergoing its name change to Topeka over the following weeks, “Please God, tell me what to do” may not be available to all users. But when it’s available for you, you so have it made.

Happy April 1.